There are some harsh critics out there on YouWriteOn. I think I’ve only had one where they’ve loved it…
The main problem I have with this story is that there is too much tell and no show.
Ben this, Finnur that, sorry but this needs to be addressed.
Ben pages through his book, studying the figures, scrawling notes on the backs of print-outs. Tapping in numbers to his calculator he pieces together the sums.
The above tells and not shows, plus it is in the wrong tense as it puts him in the past.
Ben flipped through the pages of his book, studying the figures and scrawled notes on the back of some printouts. He tapped the numbers on his calculator, trying to piece together the sums.
Now the above example of a little rewrite puts the tense into the present and shows what he is doing and not telling.
The story works but go back and use the above as an example when looking at it again.
Another thing to check is that part way through your story the spacing goes wrong as no lines are left between paragraphs etc. Just a little thing but it can put off a reviewer.
A voice. His head turns. The wild, fair hair of his father. He’s been crying. And Ben’s sister – Helen – lying motionless against a rock.
Ben turns uneasily in his sleep.With the above again, you can see how it I an example of tell and not show.
So, have a look at your story and take out the narrative style as it spoils the story.
The above are only my thoughts, please feel free to agree or disagree with them.
I don’t understand the ‘rewrite’ – it changes it from present to past (not to past to present as s/he claims) and I don’t see the rewrite as being any more showing-not-telling than the original text! Is there something I’m not seeing here?!
I’m glad I’m not the only one that was confused by this! I confess that I didn’t say anything in the post because I didn’t want to appear stupid, but I had the same thoughts. I read my original and then the re-write, and back, and back again and I saw it as present from past.
The show not tell thing, I am prepared to believe, as it’s something that I’ve been told by others (including yourself) but I couldn’t see it here. Can you give me a better example?
A very simple example of tell -v- show :-
1. She felt cold, because it was very windy.
2. She shivered and pulled up the collar of her coat as a freezing gust of wind blew across the park.
OK, pretty crap example, but basically the first one is telling because the reader is being told the girl is cold, whereas in the second one we are shown her reaction to the cold.
Simple but good example I would say!
So if I wanted to make my example above a bit more showy, couldn’t I just put:
And then surely it’s a show not tell, present tense sentence?
Your reviewer, I think, is confused about what ‘show and tell’ means. He (I’m presuming a ‘he’) seems to think it’s wrong to describe what people are doing – it’s not. What’s is not so good is to be told people’s *emotions* without showing them.
A good rule of thumb is that if you’re using the word ‘felt’, you’re telling (e.g. He felt scared, She felt worried, etc) – actions and dialogue should do the work of showing us that people are feeling particular emotions. In terms of telling/showing, there was nothing wrong with your original line, IMO.
Thanks for explaining Mrs Dann… 😉
I don’t think I shall give to my credance to this particular reviewer. That said, I will look for proper examples of showing rather than telling when I get round to revising the beast as it is something that other people have said.
Cool icon by the way! 🙂
Now quills, them were the days…