There are some harsh critics out there on YouWriteOn. I think I’ve only had one where they’ve loved it…
The main problem I have with this story is that there is too much tell and no show.
Ben this, Finnur that, sorry but this needs to be addressed.
Ben pages through his book, studying the figures, scrawling notes on the backs of print-outs. Tapping in numbers to his calculator he pieces together the sums.
The above tells and not shows, plus it is in the wrong tense as it puts him in the past.
Ben flipped through the pages of his book, studying the figures and scrawled notes on the back of some printouts. He tapped the numbers on his calculator, trying to piece together the sums.
Now the above example of a little rewrite puts the tense into the present and shows what he is doing and not telling.
The story works but go back and use the above as an example when looking at it again.
Another thing to check is that part way through your story the spacing goes wrong as no lines are left between paragraphs etc. Just a little thing but it can put off a reviewer.
A voice. His head turns. The wild, fair hair of his father. He’s been crying. And Ben’s sister – Helen – lying motionless against a rock.
Ben turns uneasily in his sleep.
With the above again, you can see how it I an example of tell and not show.
So, have a look at your story and take out the narrative style as it spoils the story.
The above are only my thoughts, please feel free to agree or disagree with them.