Encouraging enough though to get me away from frittering my time away, fiddling with making my websites conform to Accessibility rules and creating band posters, though? I hope so – another WriteWords review…
I’ve finally managed to take a look at this and also a done a quick skim of the earliest version of Chapter 1. This is definitely better than the original – particularly in avoiding confusingly rapid shifts of perspective. You give the reader more help too by explaining a bit more who is who. The style is tighter as well. So altogether I think you have made substantial improvements.
I know you are wedded to the filmic alternating perspective and the use of the present tense I think you should help the reader even more especially at the beginning of the book. So instead of just saying ‘Ben’ the first time I think you should say ‘Helen’s brother Ben’. You could also make clear that he’s still wherever he is – ‘X miles away in Y Helen’s brother Ben…
Sorry, I accidentally posted this unfinished. I was going to say – make it clear immediately that Ben will be flying to Iceland. You know the story so well you can’t see how confusing it might be to a first time reader. The same point applies to the introduction of Hanna Katla. Make sure we know who she is and where she is as soon as she’s mentioned. I’m afraid this involves more telling than showing but that’s better than showing that confuses and I think the form you’ve chosen makes it necessary.
The form is a very challenging one for any reader so you have to be absolutely rigorous about giving essential information.
I’ll come back to this when I can if you want some analysis of style.
You have definitely improved the text a lot.