On the fourth day of advent: the lowest day

I worked from home today so that Emma could go with me to the doctors earlier this afternoon. A week and a half a go, on our Suffolk weekend I had, what you might call a funny episode. After we had gone to bed on the Saturday night I had a bit of tummy ache and was feeling a little sicky so I went to the loo. The next thing I remember is coming round, head buzzing, Emma having found me collapsed on the floor, head jammed up against the wall and bathroom and snoring… When I did come round apparently I had seemed really scared, and behaved almost like an animal – properly frighened – with wild, scared and empty eyes.

I’ve been better since then, but we thought it as well to go and see the doctor anyway and this was the soonest appointment. The doctor confirmed my worst fears, that this probably was an another epileptic fit. When I say another – my first in the over-twenty years that I have been diagnosed. I think I know why this has happened. Looking back over the recent past, honestly, I think more often than not, not-deliberately, I have been missing/forgetting to take my lunch time meds Monday to Friday. I think I’ve been fine at weekends, and the morning and evening dose I’ve been fine with but Monday through Friday I think I may have been missing.

In all the years I’ve been taking the meds I’ve always been really good at it, but you can parcel out portions of time to particular routines based on how my life has been, and of late I’ve been in a bad routine.

Bad routines have consequences. I’ve had an epileptic fit and as such I have to surrender my driving license to the DVLA and not drive for 12 months. In the space of about 5 months my independence has seemed to fall away. In 10 months I can, if no repeats occur, begin the process of reapplying for my driving license.

Emma and I left the doctors and went home, stopping at the local shop to buy some things for lunch: bread, pork pies, and chocolate. It seemed necessary somehow as my brain spins with what I now have to do sort out how to get to work, band on Thursdays… all kinds of things.