So when do we get to hear how The Date went??

It also needs a significant amount of tidying up in terms of spelling and grammar

Of course it does! The only editing I did on this this afternoon, was running various macros through it to turn it into nice html for my readers… 🙂

Thank you for your, as always, helpful comments! *grins*

Of course it’s a constructive comment! I haven’t touched this novel in so long I had forgotten I had written it (*grins*) so I am surprised/relieved at how well it has stood the test of time. That said, I am only too aware that this needs a fair amount of work.

I shall bear this all in mind when I do get round to revising it! 🙂

Your para: Beth Jordan, twenty-five years of age, sits considering the sheets of paper in front of her. About her computer keyboards clatter at sixty words per minute, colleagues yell across the office of the Staffordshire Sentinel. She looks up, idly staring out her third floor window at the streets below.

My version: ((‘Twenty-five year old Beth Jordan considers the sheets of paper in front of her. Around her, computer keyboards clatter and colleagues yell across the office of the Staffordshire Sentinel. She looks up and stares out of her third floor window to the street below’))

She twiddles her fingers through her hair ((‘twirls her hair with her fingers’?)) and dials the first number.

Keith stands back, regarding the canvas[[s]] with an artist’s eye ((if he is an artist – whether professional or amateur – I would delete ‘with an artist’s eye’. If he’s painting a picture, he’d hardly regard it with, say, an electrician’s eye, lol)). [[Shifting his head this way,]] then [[that]] he moves forward to dab on more colour, deftly lay((ing)) on another stroke.

Hope that’s not too negative 😉

You have a great story here. The main flaw is one that a lot of stories have. You tend to tell us, rather than just showing us. Actually, something that you do a lot is show us, but then spoil the effect a little by telling us as well. I think it would work better if you made the reader do a little more work.

A few examples:

Beth Jordan, twenty-five years of age, sits considering the sheets of paper in front of her.

Sits considering? I think it would work better if you told us that she was staring at them. Or reading them, or looking out the window. Telling us that she’s considering them is … well, it’s telling us 🙂

When she is fiddling with her hair it works much better – we understand that she’s putting off making the call, because you show us, rather than telling us.

Keith stands back, regarding the canvass with an artist’s eye. Shifting his head this way, then that he moves forward to dab on more colour, deftly lay on another stroke.

Don’t tell us that he’s regarding the canvas with an artist’s eye! You’ve already shown us by letting us see him move his head then come in to “dab on” more colour (great choice of words BTW).

before diving on his bed sending books, papers and cushions flying

Excellent example of showing – we get a great insight into his character here!

Just some thoughts 🙂