Those of you who have read, or at least have a passing familiarity with, my current (and third) full-length novel, Blood & Fire will know that, faced with the need for Helen to have some non-family-friends, two characters from a previous story of mine walked on out of those pages and into these. These two characters came in the guise of a pair of feisty gals by the name of Hannah Ball and Alice Cartwright.
Their back story can be found in the pages of a 1999-penned filmscript The Mill, set on a week-long NT Acorn Camp, and based largely on a holiday that I was part of at the end of July that year. Until yesterday I had always assumed that the story existed only as a film script, with maybe the half-hearted attempt of computer files that was me converting it into a novel. It seems not. It seems that my memory escapes me and that I did actually complete the story as full-length young adult/crossover novel.
Today, whilst scanning negatives from my 2001, Novel-Inspiring-First-Trip to Iceland (trying to capture some much needed inspiration to continue/complete this current novel; I have also been playing around with some fancy CSS to get a printed novel look to web pages.
I am succeeding with both these projects, although the inspiration for the third still currently alludes me. So, although it’s not formally released (ie. there are no links to it on my website) I can present to you, in, I hope a very readable form, chapter one of my novel, The Mill
( read it )
And what do you think? I was actually pleasently surprised re-reading it. There are obviously a few bits to be tweaked to avoid dating it to precisely to the millennium year – but it seems to hold up quite well. Yes? No? You decide… 🙂
I am going to make a suggestion – hopefully a constructive one. And please remember that my opinion is no more valid than anyone else’s 🙂
You have a great story here. The main flaw is one that a lot of stories have. You tend to tell us, rather than just showing us. Actually, something that you do a lot is show us, but then spoil the effect a little by telling us as well. I think it would work better if you made the reader do a little more work.
A few examples:
Beth Jordan, twenty-five years of age, sits considering the sheets of paper in front of her.
Sits considering? I think it would work better if you told us that she was staring at them. Or reading them, or looking out the window. Telling us that she’s considering them is … well, it’s telling us 🙂
When she is fiddling with her hair it works much better – we understand that she’s putting off making the call, because you show us, rather than telling us.
Keith stands back, regarding the canvass with an artist’s eye. Shifting his head this way, then that he moves forward to dab on more colour, deftly lay on another stroke.
Don’t tell us that he’s regarding the canvas with an artist’s eye! You’ve already shown us by letting us see him move his head then come in to “dab on” more colour (great choice of words BTW).
before diving on his bed sending books, papers and cushions flying
Excellent example of showing – we get a great insight into his character here!
Just some thoughts 🙂
Of course it’s a constructive comment! I haven’t touched this novel in so long I had forgotten I had written it (*grins*) so I am surprised/relieved at how well it has stood the test of time. That said, I am only too aware that this needs a fair amount of work.
I shall bear this all in mind when I do get round to revising it! 🙂
You’re good on characters, but you do tend to bury the story beneath far too much verbiage 🙂 It also needs a significant amount of tidying up in terms of spelling and grammar. I’m going to cut and paste in the first few paras to show you what I mean —
Your para: Beth Jordan, twenty-five years of age, sits considering the sheets of paper in front of her. About her computer keyboards clatter at sixty words per minute, colleagues yell across the office of the Staffordshire Sentinel. She looks up, idly staring out her third floor window at the streets below.
My version: ((‘Twenty-five year old Beth Jordan considers the sheets of paper in front of her. Around her, computer keyboards clatter and colleagues yell across the office of the Staffordshire Sentinel. She looks up and stares out of her third floor window to the street below’))
She twiddles her fingers through her hair ((‘twirls her hair with her fingers’?)) and dials the first number.
Keith stands back, regarding the canvas[[s]] with an artist’s eye ((if he is an artist – whether professional or amateur – I would delete ‘with an artist’s eye’. If he’s painting a picture, he’d hardly regard it with, say, an electrician’s eye, lol)). [[Shifting his head this way,]] then [[that]] he moves forward to dab on more colour, deftly lay((ing)) on another stroke.
Hope that’s not too negative 😉
It also needs a significant amount of tidying up in terms of spelling and grammar
Of course it does! The only editing I did on this this afternoon, was running various macros through it to turn it into nice html for my readers… 🙂
Thank you for your, as always, helpful comments! *grins*
So when do we get to hear how The Date went??