The road ahead is on, not back.
So last week, I had the finale, the curtain call to my probationary period in my new job. It was nothing that I did not know already – I have been finding the author corrections part of my job curiously difficult to get to grips with. Curiously, because at the beginning, I thought that was my greatest strength, and that where I would struggle would be with those softer skills, the communication with a multitude of different contacts all with a multitude of different agendas and approaches. As it turns out, with Bill’s help, but not exclusively, this has not been so much of a problem. The bread’n’butter part of the roll, that of the last pair of eyes to be cast across the papers before publication, is what has been letting me down. Quite why this has been the case we shall probably never know. Certainly it has not been for lack of enthusiasm, determination, and desire. Louise and Mel have been faultless in the help that they have given me, and they too do not fault me for trying. It just hasn’t been working out, and last Tuesday I passed the point of no return.
So that’s it. They are in a recruitment cycle anyway for a couple of other vacancies, so mine will be added to the pot, and when a successor has been found, I will bow out. Tuesday night I was bitterly upset, and I didn’t sleep at all. Wednesday I was upset, but I did sleep, I talked more rationally with people and I admitted this all to my mum (for the first time) and I felt better. I don’t know why I had kept all of this secret. Maybe, deep down I didn’t want to admit it to myself that I was failing? I think it’s more likely that I was just frightened. I thought that if I failed, then that was it, I was out, finished, without a job. And without a job, how would I pay the pills, the mortgage, by food, run the car. Money doesn’t drive me but, having some to keep to the bank manager does help. As it happens, I shouldn’t have thought that. I shouldn’t have let myself get into such a state. Louise, Will, Duncan, the company – they have no intention of casting me out on my own. Far from it. They want to find something else for ‘valuable Thomas’ to do. They just have to work out what. I have to work out what.
In the short term, I will be moving on to be Electronic Production Editor, and resuming my former duties and responsibilities. This is on, not back. And in the future, on again. I have great skills, some of them that I have always known I’ve had; a good deal of them that I’ve only recently discovered; and learnt. They are getting Bill back to help me through this and give me some more coaching, and if that’s not a beletia beacon of a signal that they mean what they say when they say they want to find me something I want to do, then what is? I know how much he costs.
This week? I think I’ve come to terms in my head with what’s happening, and I’m no longer upset. To say I’m not sad would be a lie. Despite everything that’s happened I still like the job. I do the tasks and I catch myself thinking, I’m going to miss this. I set in track something and I think: I’m not going to see the end result of this. Or I see something in the future, and I think, in some warped way, that I was looking forward to that. But, on the flip side, I think I am more relaxed, less stressed, happier person inside. I’m no longer fighting to prove myself. I know my strengths. Louise, Will, Duncan – they all know my strengths. It’s just this, this didn’t work out.
As one door closes, another one opens, and it’s kind of nice to think that, on the other side of that door, they’ve actually built a purpose built wing especially for me. There are lots of connecting doors through there. All I have to do is choose one…
Your positive and thought-out approach to this blow is a lesson to all of us, Thomas. It’s always disappointing when things don’t work out, but there are so many other things out there, and it sounds as though you’re open to all the other possibilities out there, and your potential, which is great! And, of course, once you find a publisher for your novel, you won’t need a silly old job 😉
At one point during The Three Long Years of Temphood I considered forgoing the publishing dream and just going for a job in university admin on the grounds that what I really wanted to do is write and all I needed was something to support my (I hope) (fairly) modest needs whilst I got there.
I’m glad to know what happened – was concerned about you. And I’m glad that you’re able to deal with this so positively. You have a good attitude towards life!
I understand why you didn’t write about it before – it’s hard to admit when something isn’t working out. But I’m also glad you’ve decided to share it with us now. If you feel down about it in future, we’ll be here to perk you up! But from the sounds of things you’re dealing with everything very well.
I think that one of my faults is that I far too worried about what people will say about me, and think of me, which is silly because most people, however kind, considerate and concientious of others they are, are far too involved in themselves to really care about that kind of detail.
Like Bill, has said, I need to learn to be able to look at myself in the mirror and accept me for what I am, and to see all the good things I’ve got going for me.
PS. And I’m sorry for worrying you with my previously cryptic posts. I did try to make it clear that it wasn’t anything really serious!! *grins*
You are an amazing person, Thomas. Not many people would risk exposing themselves in the way that you have just done. So many of us puff ourselves up and don’t admit our vulnerabilities. YOu didn’t do that – and that’s an enviable quality. You have many other enviable qualities, visible to we, your online friends. Obviously, there is even more to you than we see, because it is very clear just how you are valued in your workplace.
Brave? You say that, but I wasn’t really very quick at coming forward though was I? It took me a week of cryptic posts, and worrying my friends before I could write it.
Thanks, anyhow… *shrugs*
(…and possibly smiles)
Wow, Thomas, I just don’t know where to start with how impressed I am by you. (I second everything in the above comments, as well.)
The real lesson to all of us, in this, is how you cope with things. We all have our own particular challenges in life, some more than others, and I guess with Asperger’s you’ve got off relatively lightly. I’m impressed, though, by the way that you deal with things that would make people with no particular challenges absolutely despair and give up. Hmm, wonder if I’m making sense?
To begin with, I could have told you that there was no way Blackwell’s would ever let you go – the investment they’ve made in your training speaks for itself. So that was never going to be an issue. Of course, it’s always stressful to have a go at something and have it not work out, but there’s no more that anyone can ask of himself than to to try his best. That’s what you did – you gave it your best shot. The fact that it didn’t work out as you would have liked is pretty much irrelevant – you did your best, and noone can do more than that. What a star. Proud to be your LJ friend, Thomas 🙂
I’m not sure if I feel as brave and as together about all of this, as you make out. I’m in this weird place this week, where I’m much more relaxed about things, and getting keeping on top of my work, and keeping things moving (because instead of struggling with author corrections myself I’m putting them in the PA box of fun), but I know what’s really happening but other people don’t. They are busy interviewing this week for various production editor vacancies this week, and I know the people who are going for them. I think I’m now cool with it, but in truth I don’t know how I will react when there’s someone else sitting in my seat working on my journals…?
I’m also still a little scared (needlessly I know!) of what people will say when they find out that I’m moving on to do electronic journals again. I guess what I’m saying, is that I’m getting ‘there’ but I’m not ‘there’ yet.
And as for being proud to be my LJ friend, I’m just proud to have such nice people as Friends, Kelly! 🙂